Week and half into being single

It is not worse break up ever because, we felt so much like friends and we are going to remain friends as have friends in common. We managed to go to a gig on Sunday together. I have kept really busy, so not had much time to miss his company. I watched last    in a series we had been watching together last night. Tonight in on own on Friday night when used to seeing him.

I’m trying to keep positive. Going to do some yoga and a 4 week stress relief course. As it might suddenly hit that I’m 35 single and alone. Trying to plan alternative plans for myself.

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Free, single and 34. Wanting to be a Mum

After a weekend spent with Fof and my parents we have decided we do not have a future, that it is a problem we were not having sex, so I’m single again and edging closer to 35, the age where the media tells you, your fertility starts to decline.

Can I really have a child with someone I do not fancy?

I’m currently in progress of down dosing anti anxiety medication becaus this year I wanted to come off both the anti anxiety medication and the pill.

Why I’m taking anti anxiety medication

It seems that plan is not happening, in it’s entirety, though I hope to come not let this get me down and still come off the anti anxiety medication. It means I have to cope with work without maternity leave in sight.

I knew I did not love Fof enough to marry him but, I thought we could co parent and maybe become civil partners, if that ever became legal for heterosexuals. So know one day I may marry. Both my Mum and Auntie have given birth at nearly 38 to their third and one and only respectively, therefore hopefully genetically I still have time to have one child, if not a couple.

Looks like next adventure is dating rather than Morherhood.

Can I really have a child with someone I do not fancy?

I’m 34. I have a family house. I have been reducing anti anxiety dose (with medical advice) and have been planning to come off pill; once off anti anxiety medication. I’m with Fof he would be a competent Father. He is kind and supportive. His family are lovely and would welcome a new little member.

We don’t have a sex life, there has been several reasons: Reasons for our sex life problems But if I’m honest is a big one is, I don’t fancy him. I have iniated sex plenty of times with other people. It seems really shallow , to say I do not find him attractive. Many relationships end up losing initial passion. Parents with kids may not have sex much as so focussed on kids, so just thought we could have kids then be ok.

In our few attempts, he has never ejaculated,  so I have been reading up on artificial insemmination. At 34 I’m prepared to be flexible but really having sex with someone I do not fancy?

I’m beyond believing in fairlytales and finding the one and having a fairytale wedding. But feeling some passion would be good. There is always something with someone; their personal baggage or their family. In this case he was a virgin so not much baggage, on paper many plus points to him apart from just not fancying him. Do I really want to start over again with more highs and lows of dating racing against a ticking biological clock, just because I do not fancy Fof?

Insemination

I have reached the stage where a man to Father my children,  is more important than the romance, that does not last anyway. But, ideally I do want the Father in the child’s life to provide both finicial and emotional support to the child. I would like my child to know family of both parents, which you do not get with a spent donor. With current partner Fof a child would have loving Aunts, an Uncle, Granparents and cousins both sides. As it is going I may have to inseminate with my partners sperm.

Why I’m taking anti anxiety medication

The first congratulations …very premature

Reasons for our sex life problems

The first congratulations …very premature

I had a three hour health check this week. It was great having so long devoted to me! Rather than GP with less than 10mins reserved. I told the doctor about wanting to come off anxiety drugs then pill. He agreed good to come off anti anxiety drugs, because of small increased risk to babies of congenital heart disease. He said congratulations and said next 12months were going to be exciting. I doubt anything will change for a while. Been off pill would not make a difference, seen as we have not attempted sex for months. Then once we attempt, we need to get him to be able to ejaculate inside me.

We only spend nights together at weekends. I was away last weekend. He now has keys to my house so he let himself in to leave flowers which was lovely to come home to. We enjoyed going out for food and drink in the week. But this weekend he has been at his parents. Next Fri, I’m going to my Mum’s. The weekend after we are sleeping under same roof as my parents. So no attempts for a while probably …unless I come up with a creative solution!

Why do we settle?

justanothersinglegirlinlondon

Last night I went for what was supposed to be a quick dinner with my colleague which turned into a three hour conversation around his relationship with his long term girlfriend.

They’ve been living together since the start of this year and have started talking about marriage, but like so many couples, he’s unhappy, he’s not sure if she’s the one. In his words ‘I’ve just found someone that is OK and I will mold her into what I want over the years.’
Is it just me or does that sound desperately tragic? Perhaps I’m just a hopeless romantic, I think my parents are partly to blame as they have been together for 28 years and are still madly in love.

But surely comments like the ones my colleague made are the reason why we have stats like ‘50% of marriages end in divorce.’ If people are aware well before…

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