Holly Richardson: Happy Down Syndrome Awareness Day! — Shawn Miller

An example of heartbreak of Downs. A death at just 5 and a half years.

Today is International Down Syndrome Awareness Day. Get it? 3/21 or three chromosomes on #21. Clever. Down Syndrome International encourages people all over the world to help raise awareness of what Down syndrome is, what it means to have Down syndrome, and how people with Down syndrome play a vital role in our lives and […]

via Holly Richardson: Happy Down Syndrome Awareness Day! — Shawn Miller

35 year old thinking about World Down’s Day

Today 21st Mar is World Down’s Day.
 World Down’s day is celebrated on the 21st of March because it normally occurs when there is a extra chromosome on chromosome 21 hence 21st. It is celebrated in 3rd month March because when there is a extra chromosome making, three chromosomes, this is called triplication. World Down’s Day is associated with socks (people may mark it with, odd or coloured socks), because socks resemble chromosomes.

There’s a small chance of having a child with Down’s syndrome with any pregnancy. It is commonly quoted that risk of having a Downs baby increases with age of the Mother; For example, a woman who is 20 has about a 1 in 1,500 chance of having a baby with Down’s, while a woman who is 40 has a 1 in 100 chance. What is commonly, not acknowledged is that as well as older Mother’s it is also more common in teenage Mother’s. It means Women’s in late 30s or 40s who fear sound of biological clock ticking may also worry about having a Down’s baby.

What would you do if you found you were carrying a Down’s baby?

It is March time for a new start: Date Hearts

2018 has not started as well as hoped. Felt down. Had two weeks signed off due to anxiety. Went back to work on 28th February. I started a bullet journal to write down weeks aims then achievements of week.

At the moment, I’m in too much of a mess to contemplate dating websites but, have created a page in bulletin journal for dating. When have a date, going to put their name and the date in a heart, then colour code the heart; snog, marry, avoid …


I have nearly survived 2017 but I’m now 35, single and childless

Following my last post where I had survived two sequential horrible Tuesdays; the first cruel reject from my ex the married cross dresser and the second redundancy; there has been some horrible points but some how it is December and I’m still going.

After my position ended, I had a month of not working (August), which was horrible. I spent a week of it moping at my parents. A week away with family in lakes when I was quite anxious and could not completely relax as had a presentation to prepare for an interview. I do not really know what else I did in August, but can not remember having much fun; as I was not earning and did not know when I would be earning I felt limited what I could do.

September – mid November I worked part time for minimum wage as a catering assistant. Mid November I started another part time role. I kept catering assistant role so I started by working 8 days in a row between the two jobs. I survived that. I had a reasonably productive day off. Then worked another three days. On the eve on the second day anxiety started creeping in, it intensified over the weekend off. Monday I barely functioned I had cereal in morning then did not eat again until persuaded by my Mum and I never dressed. I ended up not working at all that week. On the Monday not functioning included not having phone on and therefore not telling new employees that I was not coming in; not a good start to a new job!

I returned to work last week. Last week I felt quite low and my achievements other than getting to my two jobs were minimal. I picked up on Sunday and have felt better this week. Now on more even keel; I can push on to the end of the year!

I’m not happy with current work arrangement juggling two jobs, having to work some weekends and earning less than I did at the start of the year.

The anxiety and depression means it is not a good time to be trying to meet a man. I have been celibate since the incident with my ex the married cross dresser who,  is now a divorcee.

I’m now 35. After starting the year in a relationship and with a “permanent”  fulltime job neither of these are now true. I’m still childless.

I have survived Tuesday!

Two bad Tuesday’s.  After an intense Monday  night two weeks ago with married cross dresser where there was a real connection;  he acted like he loved me, talked as if could get back together and even talked about children which I so badly want. Yes I was scared on the Tuesday, that it would all go wrong but also felt a bit of a buzz. But then he called to say he could not do it. I was heartbroken again. I was picking self up then last Tuesday my company that I have, worked at for 11 years announced they want to make me redundant.

But I’m surviving, despite what life I should throwing at me. Perhaps this time will be a real positive turning point in my life! I’m certainly going to work to make life good!


That’s a coincidence … married cross dresser texted last night and he is single

As I was saying yesterday, when I met him he was married but, living in a different city to his wife.    They were due to get a divorce but was not even talking enough to work out getting a divorce.

Within a few days of being together, I was in his house and saw a condom in his bin. I challenged, him about it; saying I thought he was not sleeping with anyone else. He said he was not and started shaking as he tried to explain. The way he was shaking I knew it was a big thing for him. I can not remember his exact words but l, he basically told me he cross dressed. I did not really know what that meant. This was 7 years ago; I was lot more naive. I thought he had some kind of rubber fetish and hence had been wearing a condom for the feel of it.

He had kept the cross dressing a secret from his wife. When she did find out near the end of them living together, she could not cope with it.

I slowly learnt about the cross dressing as I got to know him. I found out how I could really turn him on and that in turn was a massive thrill for me. One night in a club; I found I think a 20p coin on the floor and I gave it to him saying it was his payment for later as he was a cheap tart and that was all he was worth.

I have flexible working hours and can start anytime up to 10 when I stayed, at his I would be scooting into work at 10 because of not wanting to leave being cuddled up in bed. We used to wait at the transport stop snogging. Then when he left me to continue journey; I would get a kiss. I can definitely remember once being told to get a room.

He was on anti depressives, due to stress of dealing with the cross dressing and the break up of his marriage. He was not always keen on going out during the day but, that was ok then as I was happy to be cosy inside with him. He would come out at night and dance. Or when it was just the girls going out, I used to go out with girls then go back to his. I loved, getting dressed at mine for when I saw him later. I had a key so I could let myself in. I remember letting myself in once and waking him up by sitting on his face.

But then, when he started talking to wife about starting the divorce she suddenly had second thoughts. She wondered, if they should throw marriage away. So I’m rerun he felt he had no option but to consider that. So, we could not continue. Ultimately their differences were there and they did get divorce.

He also texted me last year when he had been drinking. I got the message the next day and texted back. It was before I started seeing Fof; maybe this time of year. I first kissed Fof on 9th June.

It transpired he was in a relationship so could not do anything as he did not want to be like that, but thought he had been with me and he was sorry. I said yes he had  been and if he was in a relationship then I was staying away.

This morning, I woke to this text.



It’s not about the wine … it’s about my company … ah I see it is spending time with me that is the problem?

This week I  tried; to get just a few friends together. Despite offering free wine; I got so may excuses. As mentioned in previous post, one friend announced pregnancy so could not drink wine. Another, said she did not really like wine – I have seen her drink it! Anyway it was not really about wine; it’s  about spending time with me. Why, not say I’m not keen on the wine but let’s meet up anyway; I want to see you! Instead make me feel pathetic that I have not even got a handful of people to do things with.

Talking of wine; a lot was needed to negotiate a family holiday with parents, siblings and their kids. My sister has previously said when I said that a villa with two double beds may not be enough:

Who was I bringing? At this point we were talking about going a way August 2018 – I hope I’m not still alone then. Now instead we are going away May2018 – still hopefully time.

Anyway the two married couples would get priority on the double beds. i.e her and my parents. Why? Why does a ring give you that privilege over me on my own or with someone and my brother and his girlfriend?

She continued the digs  during the wine drinking. When I said I might bring someone …

So your going to bring a stranger?  So hard to keep calm! Once her husband was a stranger.

I kept calm and tried to do the mature thing and explain to my Mum how hurtful, it was. She completely failed to understand. She said she thought it was often partly my decision when I broke up with people. WHAT?? I asked her opinion before finalizing the break up with Fof and she said she was going to say to me, if I had not said first that she did not think it was a good idea because she could see there was no chemistry. With Mr I don’t want kids’; I did not really have the option to continue because I want to be Mum. Then before that Married Crossdresser; not as bad as sounds he was living in a separate city to wife when I met and they were not even talking as much as to sort out the divorce. Then bang when they started to talk lawyers as he wondered if they should ive it a second chance and he could not say no. So that was definitely not my decision!

Just as I’m at the point where I once thought the next step would be coming off the pill; of course a friend announces her pregnancy

Yesterday I took my last anti anxiety pill. A couple of months ago the plan was, see how I was for a couple of months without them and if ok, come off the pill and start trying to conceive. Instead as I’m now single when I talked to my doctor about stopping the anti anxiety medication, I also got a new prescription of the pill. It seems counterintuitive when I want to start a family. But if I do have one night stands and they stealth me or a condom slips off; I don’t want to put myself through taking the morning after pill.

With typical timing, a friend announced her pregnancy. It is bloody brilliant; a natural pregnancy after 9 years of trying for a natural pregnancy. Her first child was conceived by IVF and in last year she has had several failed IVF rounds over last year; gradually using up the embryos she had frozen; so I know it has not come easy. But it just sounds so perfect, she has just moved into new home abs now she is pregnant with second child. I moved into my second house weeks after breaking up with ‘Mr I don’t want kids’. Now 18months later, I have another failed relationship under belt and I’m no closer to having children despite currently looking pregnant. I do love my house though; it’s a family house though and I hope it to make it a proper family house.


Last anxiety tablet taken, time to get back in shape

Last anti anxiety pill taken.


I have put on weight since being on them but,  that could tie into going through two breakups whilst  taking them. Definitely in last couple of months since last break up there has been edible treats. Which has not been helped by spraining ankle 6 weeks ago and having to limit walking.

Now without tablets, I do not have that excuse. So many clothes do not fit and I look like I have pregnancy bump from the side, so the time had come to start sorting it out. I have booked a personal trainer for 2 months. In a couple of weeks time, I’m starting weekly 2 week sessions with a personal trainer.

I think without the anti anxiety tablets it will be important to get some exercise endorphins. Losing weight will make me feel, better about self.