I have survived Tuesday!

Two bad Tuesday’s.  After an intense Monday  night two weeks ago with married cross dresser where there was a real connection;  he acted like he loved me, talked as if could get back together and even talked about children which I so badly want. Yes I was scared on the Tuesday, that it would all go wrong but also felt a bit of a buzz. But then he called to say he could not do it. I was heartbroken again. I was picking self up then last Tuesday my company that I have, worked at for 11 years announced they want to make me redundant.

But I’m surviving, despite what life I should throwing at me. Perhaps this time will be a real positive turning point in my life! I’m certainly going to work to make life good!

 

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That’s a coincidence … married cross dresser texted last night and he is single

As I was saying yesterday, when I met him he was married but, living in a different city to his wife.    They were due to get a divorce but was not even talking enough to work out getting a divorce.

Within a few days of being together, I was in his house and saw a condom in his bin. I challenged, him about it; saying I thought he was not sleeping with anyone else. He said he was not and started shaking as he tried to explain. The way he was shaking I knew it was a big thing for him. I can not remember his exact words but l, he basically told me he cross dressed. I did not really know what that meant. This was 7 years ago; I was lot more naive. I thought he had some kind of rubber fetish and hence had been wearing a condom for the feel of it.

He had kept the cross dressing a secret from his wife. When she did find out near the end of them living together, she could not cope with it.

I slowly learnt about the cross dressing as I got to know him. I found out how I could really turn him on and that in turn was a massive thrill for me. One night in a club; I found I think a 20p coin on the floor and I gave it to him saying it was his payment for later as he was a cheap tart and that was all he was worth.

I have flexible working hours and can start anytime up to 10 when I stayed, at his I would be scooting into work at 10 because of not wanting to leave being cuddled up in bed. We used to wait at the transport stop snogging. Then when he left me to continue journey; I would get a kiss. I can definitely remember once being told to get a room.

He was on anti depressives, due to stress of dealing with the cross dressing and the break up of his marriage. He was not always keen on going out during the day but, that was ok then as I was happy to be cosy inside with him. He would come out at night and dance. Or when it was just the girls going out, I used to go out with girls then go back to his. I loved, getting dressed at mine for when I saw him later. I had a key so I could let myself in. I remember letting myself in once and waking him up by sitting on his face.

But then, when he started talking to wife about starting the divorce she suddenly had second thoughts. She wondered, if they should throw marriage away. So I’m rerun he felt he had no option but to consider that. So, we could not continue. Ultimately their differences were there and they did get divorce.

He also texted me last year when he had been drinking. I got the message the next day and texted back. It was before I started seeing Fof; maybe this time of year. I first kissed Fof on 9th June.

It transpired he was in a relationship so could not do anything as he did not want to be like that, but thought he had been with me and he was sorry. I said yes he had  been and if he was in a relationship then I was staying away.

This morning, I woke to this text.

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It’s not about the wine … it’s about my company … ah I see it is spending time with me that is the problem?

This week I  tried; to get just a few friends together. Despite offering free wine; I got so may excuses. As mentioned in previous post, one friend announced pregnancy so could not drink wine. Another, said she did not really like wine – I have seen her drink it! Anyway it was not really about wine; it’s  about spending time with me. Why, not say I’m not keen on the wine but let’s meet up anyway; I want to see you! Instead make me feel pathetic that I have not even got a handful of people to do things with.

Talking of wine; a lot was needed to negotiate a family holiday with parents, siblings and their kids. My sister has previously said when I said that a villa with two double beds may not be enough:

Who was I bringing? At this point we were talking about going a way August 2018 – I hope I’m not still alone then. Now instead we are going away May2018 – still hopefully time.

Anyway the two married couples would get priority on the double beds. i.e her and my parents. Why? Why does a ring give you that privilege over me on my own or with someone and my brother and his girlfriend?

She continued the digs  during the wine drinking. When I said I might bring someone …

So your going to bring a stranger?  So hard to keep calm! Once her husband was a stranger.

I kept calm and tried to do the mature thing and explain to my Mum how hurtful, it was. She completely failed to understand. She said she thought it was often partly my decision when I broke up with people. WHAT?? I asked her opinion before finalizing the break up with Fof and she said she was going to say to me, if I had not said first that she did not think it was a good idea because she could see there was no chemistry. With Mr I don’t want kids’; I did not really have the option to continue because I want to be Mum. Then before that Married Crossdresser; not as bad as sounds he was living in a separate city to wife when I met and they were not even talking as much as to sort out the divorce. Then bang when they started to talk lawyers as he wondered if they should ive it a second chance and he could not say no. So that was definitely not my decision!

Just as I’m at the point where I once thought the next step would be coming off the pill; of course a friend announces her pregnancy

Yesterday I took my last anti anxiety pill. A couple of months ago the plan was, see how I was for a couple of months without them and if ok, come off the pill and start trying to conceive. Instead as I’m now single when I talked to my doctor about stopping the anti anxiety medication, I also got a new prescription of the pill. It seems counterintuitive when I want to start a family. But if I do have one night stands and they stealth me or a condom slips off; I don’t want to put myself through taking the morning after pill.

With typical timing, a friend announced her pregnancy. It is bloody brilliant; a natural pregnancy after 9 years of trying for a natural pregnancy. Her first child was conceived by IVF and in last year she has had several failed IVF rounds over last year; gradually using up the embryos she had frozen; so I know it has not come easy. But it just sounds so perfect, she has just moved into new home abs now she is pregnant with second child. I moved into my second house weeks after breaking up with ‘Mr I don’t want kids’. Now 18months later, I have another failed relationship under belt and I’m no closer to having children despite currently looking pregnant. I do love my house though; it’s a family house though and I hope it to make it a proper family house.

 

Last anxiety tablet taken, time to get back in shape

Last anti anxiety pill taken.

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I have put on weight since being on them but,  that could tie into going through two breakups whilst  taking them. Definitely in last couple of months since last break up there has been edible treats. Which has not been helped by spraining ankle 6 weeks ago and having to limit walking.

Now without tablets, I do not have that excuse. So many clothes do not fit and I look like I have pregnancy bump from the side, so the time had come to start sorting it out. I have booked a personal trainer for 2 months. In a couple of weeks time, I’m starting weekly 2 week sessions with a personal trainer.

I think without the anti anxiety tablets it will be important to get some exercise endorphins. Losing weight will make me feel, better about self.

 

Has anyone ever gone to the cinema and met their life partner there; that they did not previously know?

I don’t see how at the cinema where do not talk, in the dark you would ever make a romantic connection  with someone. Can anyone prove me wrong?

I’m going to  the cinema Friday with a friend who has taken pity on me having time to fill. She works at the cinema so does not get paid much to be able to afford to do much but does get free cinema tickets. I on the other hand I’m not a film buff and don’t like sitting for two hours to watch things not into. Now I’m also thinking it is not socailising need as no chance of meeting someone there.

Going though the newly single clichés … drunken antics, casual sex including with an ex

Drunken antic cliché

Within a few days, of being single I went out with work colleagues. I started drowning sorrows away. I had thought we would be eating but colleagues had chosen somewhere that did not do food. I nearly managed to get self safely home ,but failed at last moment when got out of taxi with purse in hand but not handbag with house keys and phone in. On valentine’s day I had given my ex FOF my house key but of course ironically I had got him to give it back. Therefore, I had to go to a friend’s house and stop in their house that night.

One night stand

With someone I  had met before. After so long going to bed, with someone did not find attractive and not having sex; it was good to have sex again.

Sex with an Ex

After having sex again I wanted more! It ended up with my ex ex Mr I don’t want children. He came round to my house just for sex. It was so hot, because although we both wanted each other; he did not want kids. it was first time we had, had sex since we broke up. By the time he arrived we were desperate for each other; it was very tender yet animalistic need. Good to have the excitement of non routine ‘one off type’ sex with, someone familiar with, for example could trust to use condom. Whereas with new partner there can be nerves there particularly considering stealthing trend I wrote about in previous post. Plus I made it clear was just sex so it was no string, no worry stress. I know as he does not want kids then, we can not get back together, so I’m just happy to have got to use his body again. Fof’s body made me miss the slenderness of Mr I do not want children’s body. Also it is nice to have a good memory of Mr I do not want children’ after the horrible way it ended.

Conclusion

Some may think, I’m going off the rails but I’m trying best not to. The other week when I was out; I had no interest in men around; I did not want a one night stand; I wanted someone I knew to go home to. However, in meantime there is nothing wrong with wanting and getting sex.

I’m trying to do health and wellbeing activities like yoga and mediation. Unfortunately exercise, is limited due to sprained ankle. I’m now down to last couple of weeks of anti anxiety not ideal time to come off them when newly single and frustrated at not being able to exercise. Sometimes feeling bit sad at life not being how want / lonely as all friends are busy with partners and possibly kids too; like I want to be. But I have not being feeling anxious, so hopefully I can do it!

Newly single and now stealthing to worry about too

A recent study has highlighted the practice of stealthing. Where a man removes condom during sex.  I did a bit of google research and found one claim of doing it as ‘wanted to be free to spread seed. But mostly it is about not liking condoms.

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Men can be so stupid when arroused. Taking risks. Surely logically they understand risk of pregnancy and STDs?

Maybe men just want women to either take pill if remove condom with one night stand that she will take morning after pill. In my experience taking morning fret pill is not easy. You get an extra period within couple of weeks and the massive dose of hormones makes me so emotional.

I guess with gay men in there is not pregnancy risk, so a gay man can stealth without risk of unplanned pregnancy. Or a one night stand may leave someone pregnant and she may not have means of contacting him. Therefore she alone deals with the consequences.

I had hoped to come off anti anxiety medication then pill soon to try to conceive, but being back single I will stick with pill and of course insist new partners wear condoms. I have worried before about men nor withdrawing straight after come and condom splitting which makes hard to relax with new partners. To think men may on purpose sabotage contraception makes me feel even more worried that I not only have to insist on condom use have to keep checking it is on. Apparently a common time men remove condom is when changing position. Can you imagine if you turn with back to him; it would be easy not to know. I read about someone biting end of condom so if you can feel sides there and he is inside; no way would know.

Of course if a man is prepared to sleep with you without protection, he will be prepared to do the same with others and hence be at risk of picking up and spreading disease.

Stealthing has been described as rape and adjacent to rape. Because someone may have consented to protected sex but if it intentionally without a person’s becomes unprotected without consent then something is happening against will.

If a man removing condom during sex is rape conversely is it the same if a woman tells a man she is taking contraception / has coil when she does not want the same?

Single at 35 possible options as get older for having children in my life.

0. Straight away will say ruling out ‘just freezing my eggs’. Why don’t you ‘just’ freeze your eggs? Because it is not as easy as just opening freezer door; physically, emotionally or finicially. Over 2 thousand for extraction £250 per year to store. Then further cost and treatment to create an embryo and implant using IVF. Could be several rounds of IVF and at the end of the day may not have a child. So if needed I may as well go straight for IVF without the freezing. Hopefully I have genetics on my side as both my Mum and her sister had babies at 37.

This guardian article also shows not that simple to freeze eggs.

https://amp.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/oct/21/women-fertility-egg-freezing

1. Find someone to mutually love and try for a baby. Will work on this one.

2. Find someone to co parent with. Maybe Ex Fof will donate sperm. Although previous plan was for him to live with me and rent his mortgage free flat out. Therefore without remorgating on his salary he would struggle to finicially support a child.

3. Donor insemination. Not sure how would go about and costs of it. Costs depends whether inseminate self or do IVF. Then if anonymous donor I would be solely finicially responsible for child. I have already bought a family house. On my full time salary I can afford the mortgage on the house. But taking maternity leave then if wanted to work part time paying mo and other expenses would be difficult.

6. Become a foster Mum. I could change to less demanding job and work part time, plus you get paid expenses when fostering.

7. Adopt. Still finicially issues of 5.

People keep saying I’m still young. Plus like say hopefully my fertility is not declining too much yet so I can work on option 1 for now but keeping beating in mind / researching further other options.

 

 

Just because I do not have kids does not mean I do not want to spend time with you and your kids

The original plan for the weekend was to spend it with boyfriend and his family, but now I have no boyfriend. Then I thought I could join ramblers for a walk, but then I twisted ankle and it did not seem sensible. Not giving up, I decided to take myself out for the day,

I was doing fine, but then I saw on Facebook two of my friends was having a day out together with partners and kids and I wish I had been invited. We became friends when we were all single and we used to go out lots of Saturday nights. The three of us even went on holiday together. But now they are coupled up with kids and I’m not the same as them. To me not being the same, does not matter. I like spending time with kids. I keep trying to invite them to things, including child friendly ideas; but they rarely accept. I’m lucky though I have a fab best friend. I can hang out with my best friend and her son and sometimes be gooseberry with her husband too.

In fact a few days into being single, I went drinking with former work colleagues at the end of a hard week. Unbeknown to me, they had picked somewhere that did not do food, when I had only had a little sandwich for lunch…. Paying colleagues for taxi, I managed to get out of taxi with purse and coat in hands but not handbag. Handbag had phone and house keys in. I could not get into my house. Ironically I had got my key back from my now ex when we broke up.

I got a taxi to my best friends. She happily let me in, gave me a bed for the night and a toothbrush. In the morning she let me have a shower,  made me toast and her two year old carried it to me (very sweet) and drove me to the train station as I had to get to my nephew’s 5th birthday. When I reported to her that my Mum had been panicking, about what if I had not had money as well as no keys and no phone; my best friend said in that situation I should have still got a taxi to hers and she would have paid. She is a star, I’m lucky.

Whilst I’m pouring my heart out, I may as well confess to first one night stand since break up. So that was more sex than had in months. Between my ex before Fof; Mr Don’t want children and Fof I had sex with no one else. So been a while.

May sound like I’m going off rails, but I’m determined to not let myself get as down as I was. Continuing with anxiety medication for while longer. Keeping  busy but also trying to allow time to rest. Chocolate tonight and no alochol. Tomorrow onwards and upwards with yoga and a sports massage.